Malachi’s Birth Story – A Successful VBAC

I warn you, this may just be the longest birth story that you have ever read. And the funny thing is our labor was quick. Less than six hours. But I do love the written word, and processing my own thoughts and feelings through them. Therefore, I am excited to share with you the birth story (a successful VBAC) of our son, little brother, Malachi.

His birth was wild, and fast, and furious as he quickly joined us Easter morning. This story is one that I could never have imagined in my own mind and truly was an answer to so many prayers and cries of my heart, following the birth story of our oldest three years ago. I am so excited to share with you our birth story, which just so happened to also be a successful and unmedicated VBAC.

Content Warning: This is a birth story detailing the events & details of labor & childbirth

Quick little content warning before proceeding. This is a blog post that shares in detail labor, childbirth & the immediate moments after. I pride myself on sharing the real and vulnerable feelings via my blog, and that is exactly what you will read throughout this birth story. Therefore, please proceed with caution. And if you are processing or working through infertility, pregnancy loss or birth trauma, please be tender to your heart as you read!

Additionally, I do have an audio version of this birth story that is way less eloquent if you prefer that kind of content. You can click the link to the podcast episode below!

Listen to the podcast episode

APPLE PODCAST // SPOTIFY // IHEART RADIO

Our Redemptive Birth Story – A Successful VBAC

Little brother’s birth story begins with the birth story of our oldest son. When big M was born our birth story was full of so many emotions. We had a long labor. 36 hours total hours including multiple failed inductions and an emergency c-section. For so long I felt like my body had failed.  As soon as we found out we were pregnant with baby brother I knew my heart longed for a redemptive birth, ideally a VBAC (vaginal birth after caesarean).

In hopes to make that possible, I tried to do all the things I could to surround myself with the necessary tools and support needed to get there. I went to a new practice, one that prioritizes VBACs and has one of the highest rates of successful VBACs in the hospital setting within the state. Additionally, I set myself up with the best team that I knew could help me get there, because I knew that I could not do it on my strength alone. This team included a doula, a Webster-certified chiropractor, and close friends who allowed me to confide every thought and feeling with them as often as I needed.

Difficulties Early On in Our Pregnancy

Our pregnancy was difficult, emotionally and mentally. I wasn’t myself for so much of our pregnancy. At one of the early ultrasounds, I learned that I had a subchroinic hematoma, which is a bleed in the uterus. That could be a problem, could not be a problem. Normally it’s not, but of course anyone that deals with anxiety during pregnancy, it can be hard. And so for me, both pregnancies with my sons, I’ve struggled.

Before we got pregnant with our first son, we had a miscarriage. And that miscarriage took a lot of joy away from me during both of my full term pregnancies. It has made me more fearful and puts me into a protective mode where I don’t want to get too excited. A position of trying to protect my heart until the moment I’m holding baby in my arms.

Low-Lying Placenta

Physically, I learned that I had a low-lying placenta around 20 weeks that could potentially prevent us from having our TOLAC (trial of labor after caesarean). I spent weeks 20 to 32 of pregnancy with limited movements and taking all the precautions worried about the position of the placenta, unsure of what our birth story would look like.

Finally at week 32, I had another ultrasound to check on baby’s positioning and thankfully we got the all clear that the placenta had moved to a favorable position for a VBAC. That moment was a huge relief for me. I felt so excited. Truly for the first time during the entire pregnancy so far, I felt like I could finally breathe. That feeling wouldn’t last long.

Weekend Hospital Stay at 33 Weeks

One week later, at 33 weeks 1 day, sitting on the toilet at 11:30pm on a Friday night, I started bleeding. The type of bleeding that can best be described as lots of blood dripping out of me and all over the bathroom. Blood all over my clothes. It was everywhere. Immediately, I texted our doula, thinking it probably was best to go to the hospital, she completely agreed. J was sound asleep with M in our room. The last thing I wanted to do was to wake either of them up in a panic. Therefore, I drove myself to the hospital, all while continuing to furiously text our doula, Hosanna! 

We spent the weekend in the hospital, we never did get a reason for the bleeding, but we did get confirmation that baby boy and placenta were strong and healthy. One win from that really hard weekend was that we were able to get a detailed ultrasound by a specialist while in the hospital. Justin was unable to attend the 20 week anatomy scan due to work.

A Blessing in Disguise

Therefore, this unexpected trip to the hospital allowed us to get to see the full imagery of our son together, which was special. Especially as we were able to listen to the technician’s commentary on his hair, his features and his overall cuteness, which was so affirming for my protective heart.

Another interesting note, which I believe is worth sharing is the teacher perspective in all of this. From the hospital bed that weekend I was texting my department chair & co-workers trying to plan out all things for school. I truly had no idea what the next few days would look like. Before things settled and we were discharged (40 hours after arrival) I had no idea of if baby would be delivered early, or if I would be put on bed rest, or if things could continue as normal.

Therefore I spent a large majority of those 40 hours in the hospital, planning and uploading lessons from the hospital bed to our online learning platform. Unsure of what the rest of the semester would look like. Thankfully, I would get the all clear from my provider and would be able to continue as normal with a greater emphasis on rest.

The Next Seven Weeks

From that point on, I treated everyday as a victory, despite all the fear I felt every single time I went to the bathroom. But every morning I woke up with baby safe in my womb was a win!  The next seven weeks went by so slowly! My body was doing crazy things. All sorts of discharge, small clots, tissue that would pass every time I went to the bathroom. I even lost a good chunk of my mucous plug the weekend after our hospital stay at 34 weeks! 

Everyday truly felt like what in the world is my body doing. All while doing my best to trust myself and my body at the same time. Thankfully, every week continued to pass and baby boy continued to grow! Starting at 38 weeks, my weekly doctor’s appointments included a non stress test to ensure that baby was doing good given all the things that were still passing through my body. That was such a blessing as well, the ability to get a closer look on little one and provide peace to my anxious heart.

Then finally, we made it to spring break. Funny note, I had my students mark on my white board before leaving for spring break whether or not they thought I would be back after spring break. Majority of my students selected “No!” It was a funny feeling walking back into work Monday, April 14th with this expression of, well guys I am still here!

Another Quick Trip to Labor & Delivery

During my spring break at exactly 39 weeks, I passed a golf ball size blood clot, which had my midwife sending me to labor and delivery. We hung out at labor and delivery for two hours, confirmed baby was good. They thought I could be in early labor, as I started contracting once we got to the hospital.

Quick note – because of the midwife urging us to go the hospital as quickly as possible, we were at the hospital closest to our house, the one which we were trying to avoid delivering at. (Due to different kinds of trauma for both my husband and I) We made it very clear to the wonderful nurses working that evening that we didn’t want to stay there longer than we needed to. Thankfully contractions passed and we were able to get home. Plus, I had one more week of work I wanted to get through

The Week of My Due Date

The week of my due date (April 14-18) was teacher appreciation week at our school. I had joked the entire third trimester that I would make it through that week as I wanted to ensure I was fully appreciated!

Now, a quick note about the technicalities of attempting to have a VBAC in the hospital setting. Remember, I had changed providers in hopes to have a better chance of having my successful VBAC. The provider that I was going to automatically schedules a c-section for their patients around the 41st week of pregnancy. Following their protocol, I had a c-section scheduled for the following week, April 23rd which would have been 40 weeks 6 days. 

For my desired VBAC, the only form of induction they were willing to do (and common for those attempting to TOLAC) is a membrane sweep. I had talked with my midwife previously at my 39 week appointment about doing a membrane sweep at my next appointment (on my due date at 40 weeks) to increase the chances of my body going into labor on its own. 

Our Successful VBAC – Baby’s Due Date

The day of my due date, I was an anxious wreck. The anxiety all stemming from the uncertainty of deciding with the membrane sweep. Worried about doing something my body wasn’t ready for, given all the consequences of the failed inductions with the birth story of our oldest. 

Thankfully, a very close friend at work, could sense my anxieties and provided the best voice of reason. Essentially reminding me that I would feel peace in my heart & body if it were something I wanted to do. Therefore, I decided that I was not going to go through with the membrane sweep. 

Deciding on Whether To Do a Membrane Sweep for a VBAC

In fact, when I told this to my midwife, while getting the non-stress test at my 40 week appointment, I mentioned to her I was planning on doing it and my next appointment next week. She mentioned something about the hospital calling me to schedule a pre-op appointment for the scheduled C, and I flat out told her that I wasn’t going to the scheduled C and was planning to call them the day before cancelling. The fact that I felt comfortable speaking up and advocating for myself in that way is truly a miracle. As that was something I could never do in my previous pregnancy. 

The midwife and I agreed that I would schedule an appointment for Tuesday of the next week (I was still under the impression that I would be at work on Monday – 4 days after my due date) and would go forward with the membrane sweep then.

I felt total peace with that. Thursday continued, I picked up my son from school and we had family dinner at our usual Thursday night destination, our neighborhood Mexican restaurant. After dinner, we came home, played with the hose in the front yard and got ready for bed. 

The Day After Baby’s Due Date – Friday, April 18th

Friday arrived. I made it through teacher appreciation week. Enjoyed my lunch and all. Told all my students that I would either see them on Monday or have a baby over the weekend and wished them luck on the end of the semester and their exams. While working I came to the conclusion that Monday would be my last work day regardless if baby came or not. This allowed for my department chair to communicate with my supply a more concrete start date. (The things you care about and worry about as a teacher) 

All throughout the day, I was in constant communication with my chiropractor. She became a close friend throughout my pregnancy as a result of our weekly adjustments. She offered to stay late for me to get one last adjustment, just in case baby arrived over the weekend. (Truly a saint) 

Thankfully, I had my last two classes combined with other AP Human teachers in the media center, which was a huge relief as this teacher mama was officially past her due date and feeling it. This also allowed me to leave work a little early in order to get to the chiropractor in time. That adjustment was everything. The chiropractor I go to is a father/daughter dynamic duo and as I was getting ready to leave, my chiropractor’s dad predicted that I would have the baby first thing Sunday morning. 

Saturday, April 19th – the Best Family Day Ever

Saturday was truly the best day. We slept in as a family. My son volunteered to wash my car. I sat on the front yard, in a beach chair, soaking up the sun and reading a book. All while my 3 year old washed my car. Later that morning we went to the park. Followed by our favorite coffee shop for iced coffee and sandwiches. Then of course the day wouldn’t have been complete without a trip to snow cones.

After our family snow cone date, we headed back home to eat left over pizza. I soaked in an epsom salt bath while the boys played. Then big M and I snuggled up in bed to watch the movie, Good Dinosaur. 

Quick note – when I woke up Saturday morning, I noticed more of what looks like bloody show, but of course my body had been doing weird things like that for several weeks now, so I thought it could mean something, or mean nothing. 

Part One of Our Successful VBAC – The Beginning of Labor

Saturday Night Bedtime – 8:00 pm

That night as I laid in bed, snuggled up with my big boy I was so focused on soaking up every single cuddle. On memorizing everything about him at this specific age. It was in this specific moment that I started to feel some cramping. It was brief, but definitely there. 15 minutes later, I felt it again. Nothing big, perhaps the beginnings of early labor. Naturally, my thoughts at this moment were that it was super early labor and we would be here for a while. (So I thought)

Out of precaution, at 8:42 pm, I text our doula “I think I have had a couple of contractions in the last 30 minutes, laying on my side trying to rest and get some sleep and we’ll see if they turn to anything, not expecting them too for now.” At this point, I felt like this could be something. But at the same time, my body had been doing things that could have been read as early labor signs for six weeks now. So I wasn’t really buying into it. Hosanna, our doula, messaged back reminding me to eat high protein snacks and stay hydrated, just in case things turned into labor.

At this point, I am still curled up with Macrae, who is starting to fall asleep. I text Justin, who was downstairs in his office finishing up some last minute work tasks to bring me up a few snacks. I eat the snacks and plan to lay down to fall asleep. This is early labor, potentially. Therefore, we could be here awhile and I want my rest. Plus, tomorrow is Easter Sunday and we have Easter brunch at my parents’ house.

Early Contractions

Speaking of my parents, they were on call and hosting Easter brunch in the morning. Therefore, I text my parents confirming that they were ready to go if needed. I literally text them at 9:51 pm “Just a reminder to be on call my body is slowly showing signs of labor starting, so doing my due diligence here to remind y’all that you are on call.. my plan is to be able to sleep through the night and reassess in the morning as early early labor can take a long time, so not there yet, but just trying to think ahead.”

They responded assuring me that they were ready and that they would see me tomorrow for Easter brunch. So now it’s 9:52 pm, the contractions were now about every ten minutes, again just small tightenings here and there. At that point, I decided to get up to go to the bathroom before trying to fall asleep for the night.

Laboring On the Toilet in “Early Labor”

I get off the bed and walk to the bathroom. All of a sudden, while I’m sitting on the toilet, I get a really strong contraction. This was the first moment that I felt like “okay, wow this is intense.” The excitement kicks in. I had never gone into labor previously as I was induced with my oldest son. Therefore, I was excited to do all the things to work through these new and stronger contractions. I turned off the lights, turned on my birthing playlist full of worship music that I had created for Macrae’s birth back in 2021. And I focused on my breathing and zoning out the things that I was beginning to feel quite strongly.

Contractions were happening, quite quickly and they felt intense, but I was doing everything I could to not give them attention. My thoughts were, “this is just my body getting ready. This is early labor. We got tons of time to go.” I was in this zone for about twenty minutes. I felt capable, and strong. This was manageable.

Trying to Tell My Husband His Wife Was In Labor

Pretty soon after, things started to feel a lot bigger. I wasn’t timing anything, however, I did notice that the contractions seemed to be happening pretty quick. At this point, (10:17 pm to be exact) I sent a text to Justin. I literally text him, “Sitting on the toilet having some strong contractions.” He doesn’t respond.

2 minutes later. I send another text, “Exercise ball please” No response.

7 minutes later at 10:25pm, still no response. I send one more text, “Justin?”

Of course, I could have called him at any point in that unanswered text thread, but at this point I was in the zone. I was focused on breathing, focused on trying to do my thing. And I didn’t want to step away from that mindset and headspace to make a phone call.

Calling Our Doula

Finally, around 10:27 I give him a call. He answers and immediately I ask him if he has looked at his phone. He told me he hadn’t gotten any text messages. I said look at your phone. He then goes, “Oh!” And I hear him moving quickly up the stairs (with the exercise ball might I add).

He arrives upstairs and at this point, I am having difficulty talking because the contractions were pretty strong at this point. (I remember having the thought that this is hard, I am ridiculous for desiring an unmedicated birth and probably should ask for an epidural as soon as we get to the hospital.

In the few minutes Justin was upstairs he can sense that things are happening. At 10:30pm he calls our doula. She gives us the instructions to time the contractions. As well as the insight to not rush out the door in the event that this is still early labor (again, my body had not done this on it’s own before) And when the desire is a unmedicated VBAC birth, the goal is minimal interventions. Thus, it’s best to try to stay home for as much of early labor as possible. So as long as you’re comfortable, try to stay at home.

Timing the Contractions

Justin starts timing the contractions. Pretty quickly we realize that they are happening close to every two minutes apart. At first they were lasting about 30 seconds, but then started to last a little longer, closer to a minute. Our doula told us to check back in 30 minutes and then we’ll make the decision as to whether to head to the hospital.

So while I am working through the contractions, completely unclothed might I add (labor is hard, clothes felt too confining), Justin is running around upstairs trying to get things ready for us to head to the hospital. He keeps coming back into the bathroom to check on me, while telling me to get dressed so we can leave. I basically ignore him because the thought of spending the one free minute in between contractions trying to find clothes to wear (that fit) seemed impossible.

Very Few Bags Were Packed

Our home is located about 35 minutes from the hospital we were delivering baby at. It was almost 11:00 pm Saturday night. We had two dogs at home. Our three-year old son was asleep in our bed. My hospital bag was loosely packed. Justin had no bag packed. Additionally, my son had no bag packed for my parents’ house.

Interesting enough, my plan for that night, once big M fell asleep was to actually take the time and get all the bags fully ready. As I was laying in bed next to him, waiting for him to fall asleep I determined that as soon as he fell asleep, I would pack all the bags and make sure everything was ready to go. And of course in that moment I started to feel the first contractions.

Deciding to Go to the Hospital

Justin is running around the house trying to get everything ready. He’s taking the dogs out to let them go to the bathroom, then getting them situated in the basement. Then he quickly packs a bag for our son. I remember yelling at him to call my parents to make sure they were awake and able to head to the hospital parking lot soon. He is trying to pack his bag, as well as the last minute items that I had been using that weren’t already in my hospital bag.

Finally, as we got closer to the 30 minute window where we were going to check in with our doula the contractions were still strong. Happening about every two minutes ranging between 45 seconds to one minute in length. Justin told her we were heading to the hospital. He tells me again to get dressed. I looked at him and basically said you will need to do it for me. He gave me a pair of his running shorts and I found a shirt that was lying around the bathroom. I started moving down the stairs towards the garage, as he picked up our sleeping three-year old and put him in his carseat.

Part 2 of Our Successful VBAC – The Drive to the Hospital

It was around 11:35 pm when we actually pull out of the driveway to head to the hospital. I am in the front seat of the car. Both car seats are installed in the backseat with Macrae in one of them. Therefore, the front seat was the only option. I am fully buckled. In my “I am in the middle of labor and this feels like a lot mindset”, I had the thought that if we were to get in a car wreck while driving to the hospital and I wasn’t buckled then there would be no me or baby. Therefore, I decided it was wise to keep the buckle on. (Despite all the things happening to me physically in that moment) The physical positioning of seating in a car is not the most conducive to the process of laboring a child.

Transition in the Car

I am not going to sugarcoat this drive to the hospital. It was intense. Everything felt intense. Contractions were happening every two minutes, lasting for almost a full minute. They were felt throughout my entire body. I was pushing up on my hands to try not to fully sit on the car seat because of feeling so much pressure down there. (We would later find out that my body was in the transition phase of labor while we were on the way to the hospital)

While driving, we called our doula to let her know we were on the way to the hospital. She stayed on the phone with us through a couple of contractions which was so helpful. Her voice was so calming and she told me to relax my shoulders, focus on low deep breaths. Instructing me to breathe in and breathe out. Her instructions and guidance were so helpful on our thirty plus minute drive to the hospital through the windy backroads of Cherokee county.

Waking Up My Son While in Labor in the Car on the Way to the Hospital

As the contractions were getting more intense, I became more vocal. Literally doing anything I could to work through these things. I remember the turns on the road feeling too much and just yelling (among other things) for Justin to slow down.

And we finally get kind of close to the hospital, I hear Justin turn his head to talk to Macrae. My laboring melody of grunts and screams had woken him up and apparently he was all wide eyed in the backseat. I just hear Justin say, “Hey buddy, everything’s okay. Mommy is about to have your baby brother. She’s okay, but it’s uncomfortable. And so that’s why she is just making these noises. We’re about to be at the hospital and will meet Cece and Papa. Everything is okay!” (I genuinely am curious to ask him about the night his brother was born when he is older to see what he remembers)

One Wrong Turn

Finally, we were five minutes away from the hospital parking lot. We approached a traffic circle and Justin took the wrong exit. (Despite me telling him to keep going to the third exit might I add). He was insistent that it was the first exit and thus, took the first exit. (The wrong way!) I have never felt more mad in a singular moment. We were five minutes away, however with one wrong turn Google Maps informed us we were now 9 minutes away (I get it – only 4 minutes difference, but to a woman in actual transition of labor that feels more like an hour)

Arriving at the Hospital – 12:15 am

Finally, at 12:15 am we arrived at the hospital parking lot. That in itself felt like a huge victory. My parents were there waiting for us. Justin parked the car as my parents walked over. Now, I do not think my parents had any idea how far along in labor I was at this point. While I was getting out of the car I had another contraction. And at this point the contractions were even more all encompassing. The kind of contractions that make you stop what you’re doing. Don’t talk to me. I need to focus and concentrate with everything I have in order to get through this.

My dad greets me by the passenger side door as I am mid contraction and I hear my dad yell for my mom. “Cathy, come help your daughter.” In that moment I remember thinking I love y’all both deeply, but I don’t want any of your help right now.

The Hospital Parking Lot Trade Off

As quickly as we can we unload the car. Which meant that Justin worked as quickly as he could, basically throwing Macrae’s bags towards my parents (we left his lovey and lion stuffed animals in the car). Which resulted in my dad trying to come into the labor & delivery room to get the car keys from Justin before they left to head to their house & hearing the sounds of his daughter in labor that he wishes he could unhear!)

He grabbed our hospital bags and got Macrae out of the car. All while I walked as cautiously as I could towards the entrance to labor & delivery. My parents were just a little freaked out in the drama of it all and kept pushing the intercom letting the front desk know their daughter was in the parking lot, in labor, and about to walk in. (Truly this whole scene would have made a fabulous opening scene on any hospital television drama)

Telling My Son That I Was About to Go Have His Baby Brother

Now, one moment that I remember so vividly was when I walked towards the hospital doors, my dad was standing there holding Macrae. At this point, Macrae was fully awake. As I am walking towards the hospital, contractions happening basically every minute. I stop and look directly at him. Give him a big hug and a big kiss and he returns the biggest smile. I said, “Buddy, I’m going to go have your baby brother, I’ll see you soon. I love you so much.” He gave me the best smile. Through that smile I could feel him saying “You got this mom, you got this!” I carried that moment with me through the hospital doors.

Part Three of Our Successful VBAC – Walking into Labor & Delivery – 12:20 am

We say goodbye to my parents and walk into the hospital. I have my ID in my hand, literally pulled it out of my car last minute thinking they will need this. We walk (waddle) directly to the check in desk and I hand them my driver’s license. As soon as I release the ID from my hand, I feel a gush of water drop down my leg. My water broke right in the middle of the labor & delivery hallway at 12:20 am Easter Sunday.

My Water Breaks

Upon our arrival, the hospital was pretty quiet. Peaceful might you add. The moment my water broke it was as if a switch was flicked and things started really moving. As I am now standing in a giant puddle of water, covering my shoes, Justin’s shorts, I hear somebody behind me say “we have meconium!” Which meant baby had pooped in the womb. Which signaled everyone to move in an even faster pace.

They lead us into the closest labor and delivery room. We walk in and I’m just standing there in the middle of the room. A nurse looks at me and literally tells me to get on the bed to prevent our baby from falling on the floor. I thought to myself, “fair enough.”

I literally climb on the bed. There is no turning around. I am kneeling. (Honestly felt very animal like at this point). The hospital bed was in an upright position. I have my head and hands pressed into the upright position of the bed. As each contraction hit, I held onto the side of the bed while pressing my head into the bed mattress.

Laboring Effects & Cervical Check

I remember feeling so hot. There was sweat everywhere. My hair kept falling out of my hairband and was all in my face. I had asked Justin to put it up for me, but we are a family of boys over here and he doesn’t know how to tie a hair tie. I remember getting so annoyed with how sweaty and hot things were that in between a contraction, I sit up from my laboring position and pause to put my hair back in a bun.

The hospital room was bustling. More people were coming and going. I heard the midwife mention wanting to check my cervix to see how far long I was. I was committed to this kneeling backwards on the bed position and basically told them to try and check me from there. (They really didn’t have much luck from my position).

I did hear some talk about 9 cm, but honestly didn’t give that a whole lot of attention as I was truly trying to focus on one contraction at a time. However, deep down I remember feeling so encouraged that my body could potentially be that far along all on it’s own. Maybe, just maybe I thought, I can have the birth I have always dreamed of.

The Struggle with the IV

While there, a nurse was trying to insert the port for the IV into my hand. Now, my body was drenched in sweat and they were having a really hard time getting in the IV line. Finally, I look up because I felt like it had been a long time of them trying to get this IV. When I look up, all I see is red. My hand, the mattress, the sheets where my hand was pressed into all were covered in red. I remember having the delusional labor thought of “is my hand still attached to my body” based on all the blood I saw. It was in fact.

Ma’am Did You Intend on Having an Unmedicated Birth?

At some point while I was headfirst pressed into the back of the hospital, I remember hearing someone ask me if my plan was to have an unmedicated birth. I remember saying something along the lines of “Well, that was the plan, but even if I were too change my mind now I think it’s kind of too late to ask for anything.” Which to be honest, I am so glad that it was too late for any sort of pain management. I desperately wanted to feel and experience birth in its raw and natural state. I had felt so robbed of that in my first birth story. Not having it as an option this time around, was exactly what I needed to feel convinced that I could do this on my own!

I’ve Got to Go to the Bathroom

I remember constantly telling everyone in the room (screaming to everyone in the room) that I felt like I needed to go to the bathroom. Now, when you feel that sensation, that means baby’s on its way. And that’s the sensation to push. I hear many voices telling me that means baby’s probably coming really soon.

They asked if I could turn around and get to a more “classic” pushing position. So I did (not sure how because that also felt physically impossible). While there, I remember trying to let my body rest in that position. They checked me again and this is when I heard the official news that I was 10 cm dilated. They gave me the go ahead to start pushing. I remember feeling so encouraged and excited knowing that my body had come this far and now it was time to push. Baby would be here soon!

Part Four of Our Successful VBAC – Time to Start Pushing – 12:50 am

I had never pushed before. I had an “emergency c-section” with my first. So, this was all new to me. I really had no clue what I was doing over than to go with my natural tendencies and the pressure my body was feeling. Thankfully, our doula arrived at the exact moment we started to push. We pushed for about 45 minutes in total. During which that time felt like an eternity. Now thinking back to it, it feels like it was only just a few minutes.

While pushing, I remember yelling loudly, “I cannot do this!” Justin’s by my side, Hosanna, our doula was right next to my arm. There’s six nurses, the midwife, all standing around me. In unison they tell me “Yes, you can!” They told me that the baby is almost here. The midwife said, “I’m looking at your baby!”

Contractions with a Purpose

One thing I liked about the pushing stage of labor was that the contractions had a purpose. Each contraction provided a chance for my body to lean in and ride the wave, knowing it would bring me closer to my baby. And while I do remember feeling exhausted and drained while pushing, simply not knowing how many pushes it would take to have him in my arms. I liked feeling in control.

Which is interesting because I remember thinking so clearly, “Gosh, I wish somebody could tell me just how many pushes it would take.” If only I knew then I could count them. It was the unknown that unsettled me. But isn’t that life, learning to trust the unknown.

The midwife instructed me to push slow on the next contraction, slowly letting my breath out. She told me you are so close, just slowly push your baby out. And so that next contraction came, her voice instructed me to release the breath and lean into the push slowly. Next thing I know, I hear cheers and feel my little love on my chest. We did it! Baby boy was here!

Achieving My Ideal Birth – A Successful VBAC

The best way to describe how I felt in that moment was shock. Everything happened so quickly, so fast. I went from protecting my heart the entire pregnancy to where I couldn’t even envision what our birth would look like. Then to having a contraction, then a stronger contraction, then pushing and now our baby was here all so fast. My body and mind were in shock. What just happened? Did I really do this?

Justin and Hosanna were both so excited, telling me over and over again, “You did it! You had your natural birth. You had your VBAC!” And I did. And I was trying so hard to process it, but everything just happened so, so fast! It was wild and primal. Fast and furious. And our baby boy, Malachi was born on Easter Sunday at 1:31 am.

Give Me the Medicine Now

I held him on my chest as I delivered the placenta and I remember feeling an overwhelming sense of shock. I asked the nurses if they could give me something, some sort of relief from the pain. My baby was now in my arms, and I wanted some sort of relief. He came so quick and there wasn’t really a lot of prep time for my body. Which resulted in having a pretty extreme second degree tear. I had a labial tear and a perennial tear. Since I had an unmedicated labor, they had to provide shots of lidocaine (numbing medicine) all in that area. Between this and pressing on my uterus post-birth, those probably were the more uncomfortable moments of our entire labor. Goodness, the things women’s bodies can endure!

Signing the Paperwork and Consent to VBAC

It was after the fact, once I was all stitched up and baby was cleaned up that someone walked in from the hospital with all the forms for me to sign. Yes, I signed my consent to proceed with a trial of labor after a cesarean after having our successful VBAC.

Is Everything Okay?

Pretty quickly after he was born, I had a lot of fear, and felt a lot of panic. Is he okay? His Apgar score was great. However, I had this gut instinct of something not being right. Since his birth he was very unsettled. His breathing was very noisy, which is a sign of discomfort. Pretty early on post-birth the nurses were discussing bringing him to the NICU for observation. I remember feeling like everything was happening to fast, my mind and heart couldn’t keep up.

With our doula’s help, I asked if there was any way I could hold him and lay him on my chest for like for the golden hour to see if his breathing would settle. We hadn’t even had our skin to skin yet. She agreed to give us an hour, while monitoring his breathing levels. We tried to get him to latch while doing skin to skin, but he was too unsettled to do so successfully. I hand expressed some colostrum and was able to feed it to him through a medicine dropper. Around 3:30 am the nurses came back in telling us that they needed to take to the NICU for more care.

Part Five of Our Successful VBAC – Bringing Baby to the NICU

This was something that I was not prepared for at all. They moved him to the NICU. We were left alone in our labor & delivery room. Being alone in that room without our baby was gut-wrenching. I had to get up and demonstrate that I could walk and use the restroom on my own before being released to our postpartum recovery room. (Might I add, getting up off a bed, standing, walking & then going to the bathroom all within a few hours of delivering an 8 pound baby is a very difficult and humbling experience.

Hard Thoughts I Experienced While Baby Brother Was in the NICU

I had this amazing, redemptive birth and delivery. I got the unmedicated VBAC birth that I really didn’t even think was possible. However, I felt like I had very little connection with him since he had been born. Instead I was full of so much worry and fear. And I wish with every fiber of my being that no mother has to know what it feels like to be in your postpartum recovery room with no baby. I couldn’t sleep. I was up for forty-eight hours straight. Every time I heard the sound of new babies crying in the rooms near us, I would cry. Instead, I sat alone in my hospital bed, heart breaking that our new baby boy, that I felt like I didn’t even know yet, was in an entirely different room.

A Week-Long Stay in the NICU

He was in the NICU for a week. I was discharged from the hospital Tuesday afternoon. Thankfully, they let us stay one extra day there since he was in the NICU. Tuesday afternoon, we picked up Macrae from my parents in the hospital parking lot. That I was not prepared for. The whole time I had envisioned him meeting his baby brother while we were in the hospital room recovering and all of us going home together as a family of four.

A Heart Divided

Justin and I had decided we wanted Macrae back home with us so that we could have parts of our hearts in the same room. At this point, Macrae was still sleeping in bed with us and honestly that was everything my heart needed. Once back at home, I was waking up every 3-4 hours at night to pump milk to bring to the NICU the next day and having Macrae next to me was so soothing for my soul.

In all honesty, Macrae throughout our entire pregnancy and postpartum period has been so pivotal to my own emotional and mental health. I cannot wait to tell him, once he is a lit older and can understand, just how much our relationship meant to me especially during this time.

We spent the rest of the week Wednesday through Friday, waking up, dropping Macrae off at school and then headed to the NICU to spend the day. The following weekend, we decided to split up so that both our boys could get our attention and love. Which was also a blessing in disguise because we got to have some really good quality time, Macrae and I. Time that we never would have had so early postpartum. My body ached. My heart ached. But we got to pour into both of our boys in a situation that I wouldn’t wish upon my worst enemy.

Thoughts on Having a Baby in the NICU

I am proud of my husband and I for how we handled this situation. I felt like we did a good job of balancing both kids during a NICU stay. But my goodness. There are so many people who have experienced a NICU stay. And if your baby is born healthy and this is something you haven’t had to endure than you have no idea the heartache. Nor the immense grief you feel. Or the longing. A NICU stay looks so different than what normal experiences look like. And it feels so incredibly lonely.

Unless you have been in this situation, you have no idea how hard it feels. Thankfully, I had a lot of really great messages with people through Instagram that also experienced a baby in the NICU. That provided amazing support for me. As well as allowed me to be able to communicate what I needed to communicate, voice my concerns and voice my frustrations. As well as think of and pray for us in the process. Finally, exactly one week later, Sunday April 27th, we got to bring baby brother home. And there was no greater feeling than that!

Life Now at 3 Months Later

It’s interesting, I was able to record our birth story on the podcast a little over a month after little M’s birth. Now, it’s been three months since his birth when I am finally transferring this story over to the blog and hitting publish. Three months of a whirlwind. So much changes when you become a mom. Really any life change is so pivotal. However, these three months I feel as if I am still figuring out this new version of me. Sometimes she is there and I recognize her. And other times? Other times I feel like I am searching, trying to grab at the pieces of me before little M arrived.

This postpartum period has been full of immense anxiety. And if I am being completely honest, it is hard to fully explain even in this format (to which I usually can hold nothing back). Time is flying, faster than I could have even thought, and I am just hoping I can catch up to this new version of life (and me) sooner than later!

Big M starts pre-K tomorrow and then little bubba and I have six weeks left of maternity leave before our new normal officially kicks in. Am I excited? Yes of course! Anxious? More anxious than I have ever been before. But of course these moments are also full of some of the sweetest. Therefore, I am holding on and clinging to all the little bits of joy every chance I can get!